I don't know what I expected 7 months removed from South Africa to feel like, but it wasn't this. It has been one of those great roller coaster rides, with turns and dips at the most unexpected of times. South Africa ignited a fire in my core that I don't want to ever die dim. It has been seven months of suppression and avoidance, for fear that I won't be able to handle the feelings that I find. Dang it. Pandora just started playing Everything by Lifehouse. I was surprised by the emotions it unearthed within me. If anything transports my mind to South Africa it's this song. We had played it in our last days at the Family Center for the youth. We had initially desired to act out the clip, but realized that time restricted the quality that we could have presented it with. Resulting in a minor team conflict They were riveted from the start. We projected a video onto the wall. The film depicts how so many things try to get in the way of us and God. But he never gives up. I am so thankful for that part of who God is. Looking back I have let so many things come between Him and I. Losing sight of His love and the GRACE that He offers to me and all the things He has worked out in me in this past year... I need to dwell on these things with regularity and actually write down thoughts/feelings/emotions that remain fresh. What better way to tangibly make steps in this direction than to make a to-do list.
1. Write/Journal/Blog, daily and bi-weekly. I need to process. If I don't make time it won't happen.
2. Talk about it. Stop freaking keeping it inside. This is not healthy.
3. Go through my pictures and remember.
4. Continue to connect and pray for my beloved family in South Africa and my brothers and sisters here at APU.
5. Finish my video compilation over Christmas break.
6. Remember to thank God daily.
I have been struggling to connect that life, those relationships and experiences with my life today. In some relationships and connections from the trip I feel forgotten and disconnected at times because this current reality is so distant and in conflict with what we had built in that beautiful place. I miss the family, the depth and the honesty we were able to have with each other. These months have broken down my pride, (dang human nature) and have humbled me. Now I just long to learn and maximize the change God longs to work in me through this. I feel like I am embarking on a whole new journey in to this foreign American life... God help me as I go. Keep me humble.
