As I sit here and begin to write, it's approaching 1 am in the morning... The perfect time to begin a new blog post, of all things. I am sensing a trend, or habit in myself. Blogging only seems to occur when I have exhausted all possible procrastinatory (new word apparently) resources warding off sleep, but having no work tomorrow can't sleep. Maybe it is the excited little kid in me. (I remember my expecting to be allowed to stay up til my age on my birthdays. Which was all hunky-dory until I hit 12, then it was just stupid. That's neither here nor there.) Anyways, I cannot help but chuckle as I read aspirations and recognize shortcomings and unmet expectations I placed on this past semester in my prior posting. Water under the bridge I say. But in that same breath, It would be amiss not to recognize God's faithfulness and provision when I didn't have the will power to "deal" with my South Africa ish in my own parameters.
The spring semester was a whirlwind (surprise) of busyness, but of the fruitful, life-giving, and joy instilling kind. A stark contrast to life last fall. I felt as if I had sucker-punched, gasping for air and breath, that seemed to never fill my lungs. Empty and hollow. So much to do in so little time. So many obligations to meet, people to see, assignments and papers to complete, so few hours in a day. My social work classes had seemed to do their best to keep me from actually having time to go out and apply the skills I had been learning. This depravity soon progressed into guilt and despair. I was longing to do SO much, and see God glorified in as many areas of my life as possible. Yet, I was paralyzed from even taking one step forward. I was confronted with a mountain of tasks and situations that I felt God desired me to accomplish and take part in, but because of the sheer gravity of what lay ahead, I was left frozen in my steps. I tried to do it by myself. Go it alone. I'll be just "fine." Gotta do it the dutch, independent, emotionless way... Never admitting my faults and struggles within my present reality. That's when I finally broke and my hero Jesus Christ came and began picking up my pieces. There was no way I was going to meet expectations, accomplish tasks, be present in relationships on my own... So why did I even try, when my intentions (or at least part) was to bring God glory? My blooming pride. I drowned in it, by my own choice and doing... but God was not through with me and never did He leave me. He actually drew me to Himself and cradled me in His arms. Wow, God you are good. Phew. This whole writing thoughts out is something I should make into a habit.
The way I see it, we are vessels with our primary purpose on this earth being to bring God the MOST glory we possibly can in the time we are given. Maximizing the potential, talents and gifts He instills us with. I just got this picture in my head of what God was working in me last fall. He was dumping me out. I was a vessel then as I am now, but I was a vessel that was full of me. He has to dump me out and empty me, in order to fill me with Him. I believe in my heart that last fall He began to have His way more than ever. (praise God!) By no means is the process of being emptied near completion, and I think it will be a life-long, uphill battle... But boy does it feel good to begin allowing Him to further purge me of me.
It was like a fresh breeze rushed over me, reviving my deadened body, heart and soul.
The fullness of His joy was being restored. God blessed me this spring. The classes that were so empty now gave me purpose. The relationships that were obligations and just another thing on my checklist, only further exposed me to the depth of Christ's unconditional love. Hallelujah. I feel it in the core of me...HIS LIFE!
Okay, that just got me the heeby-jeebies writing that... Back to the present. Through this journey God confronted me with so much of my South African experience that I had so struggled to unpack on my own.
I now sit at the cusp of a summer of even greater unknowns, yet rest in the promise that God is already there. He's been preparing Mpophomeni, Kwazulu-Natal South Africa, just as I trust He has been preparing and shaping me for what lay ahead. I desire that God will be the only one glorified this summer. I pray He will give me more than I can handle, in order that I may be humbled by the recognition of His provision and abounding grace and mercy. That He would provide His SHALOM to chaos and turmoil that is bound to be present. His understanding to our mortal confusion. His restoration to our divisiveness. His healing to my (our) wounds. That it may be in Mpophomeni as it is in Heaven.
"He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less."
-John 3:30 (New Living Translation)
